Is Your Teenager Lazy?

Let’s start with what any salesperson can tell you – people buy on emotion, not on logic. So, as soon as a discussion with a teenager becomes an argument, emotions overpower logic. One of the key elements in “best parenting” is NOT TO ARGUE!

There are several absolute fundamentals to be understood and FOLLOWED:

1. Listen! Truly listen! We all know we’re a society who will tell you they’re listening. but our brain is actually forming a reply to what’s being said. Stop it! Listen!!

One way to accomplish that is to ask a clarifying question or two as you listen - not lecturing, not sermonizing, not instructing - but asking a gently clarifying question!

Then, be prepared with a non-instructional, non-sermonizing follow up question.

Experience has shown that a follow-up question can be the juiciest and most informative one!

If you have accomplished AND USED those elements, you are rocketing toward optimum parenting.

2. Next is solution-finding – which is only needed when there’s a problem or a disagreement.

STRIVE for CONSENSUS – a solution both of you can comfortably live with. If you haven’t gotten there, keep at it.

NO, you are NOT required nor expected to cave in or acquiesce to anything your child wants – but if you don’t LISTEN, remember – kids learn more from what they see than what they hear. If you don’t listen, you are TEACHING THEM not to listen.

ASK what solutions your child suggests AND THEN ask (2) what led them to that conclusion, decision or assumption… And again, be prepared with a FOLLOW-UP question – again, not a challenge, an information-gathering query…

Again, LISTEN, strive for CONSENSUS!

3. Here’s a tough one for parents and for most adults: Guide them toward learning – FINDING the answer! Don’t tell them the answer, as much as you’d like to. Get in the habit of what we refer to as ASK DON’T TELL. And when you’re talking with a teenager, they have a strong reflex to answer almost every question with: “I don’t know.” At which point, you should PAUSE, say nothing - and listen. If no reply, follow up with something like “Well, what might you assume or consider or guess?” There’s an old expression that’s absolutely true: “Any day that you don’t learn something was a wasted day.” That’s what you want them to avoid and that’s your role and function.

4. Be acutely aware of how many negatives they hear about themselves – from within their own mind as well as from teachers, parents, coaches, adults! FIND THE POSITIVE, compliment it – and be specific. Generalities become empty and meaningless very quickly.

5. VALUE THEM – truly! Pause and remind yourself – they’re flesh of your flesh – a reflection of you, striving to be better each day, needing support, appreciation and to be valued – even if they’re obstreperous that day.

6. Hug often and long. Research says 90 seconds is optimum. They may fight you – overcome! 

7. If your child doesn’t know and understand what challenged YOU and challenged YOUR FATHER and YOUR FATHER’S FATHER – as well as their mother, their mother’s mother and their mother’s mother’s mother – and overcame – or didn’t – you missed a great teaching moment. 

Oh, and patience – apply lots and lots of patience!

If you follow these elements, you will greatly diminish arguing and become upset far less frequently.

Well, probably not - but DO think about these factors: 

• All humans are naturally achievers and therefore motivated. 

• Teenagers may not be motivated by what YOU want or think they should be – which leads to an excellent communication- improvement strategy: ASK, DON’T TELL. 

• ASK, DON’T TELL has proven to be a very good strategy to enhance communication with teenagers, and greatly diminish arguments.

Very simply, you TELL them nothing. Your only reply is to ASK a question – a simple, low-key, information-gathering, NON-sermonizing question, like “That’s interesting. Please tell me more.” – or “I’m not sure I understand – please help me to see [or understand].” 

If you argue with them – you’ve lost, even if you think you won.

Don’t ask those questions in rapid-fire fashion – do it gently, slowly, be sincerely interested.

What you will find is greater harmony with your teen, much better understanding of their thinking – and - by using ASK DON’T TELL – if you listen deeply, you will almost always learn more and more about what’s on their mind --> what motivates – and de-motivates them!

As noted at the beginning, everyone is motivated – we just need to find out what.

In our work coaching teens toward success, we’ve found that once they’re focused on THEIR GOAL(S), very often, they quickly find the need to intensify their efforts toward academic performance.

And if you keep telling them the same thing over and over – without the results you want [great quote I saw on the internet] – “If you keep telling them repeatedly and they don’t do what you want, WHO’S the slow learner?” 

Basic reminder: The best motivation – the strongest – comes from within – inside their hopes, goals, aspirations, not from someone – anyone – trying to motivate them. Great quote from a championship football coach: “If I have to motivate you, you’re on the wrong team.”

How to know if you’re a good parent...

Let’s start with what any salesperson can tell you – people buy on emotion, not on logic. So, as soon as a discussion with a teenager becomes an argument, emotions overpower logic. One of the key elements in “best parenting” is NOT TO ARGUE!

There are several absolute fundamentals to be understood and FOLLOWED:

1. Listen! Truly listen! We all know we’re a society who will tell you they’re listening. but our brain is actually forming a reply to what’s being said. Stop it! Listen!!

One way to accomplish that is to ask a clarifying question or two as you listen - not lecturing, not sermonizing, not instructing - but asking a gently clarifying question!

Then, be prepared with a non-instructional, non-sermonizing follow up question.

Experience has shown that a follow-up question can be the juiciest and most informative one!

If you have accomplished AND USED those elements, you are rocketing toward optimum parenting.

2. Next is solution-finding – which is only needed when there’s a problem or a disagreement.

STRIVE for CONSENSUS – a solution both of you can comfortably live with. If you haven’t gotten there, keep at it.

NO, you are NOT required nor expected to cave in or acquiesce to anything your child wants – but if you don’t LISTEN, remember – kids learn more from what they see than what they hear. If you don’t listen, you are TEACHING THEM not to listen.

ASK what solutions your child suggests AND THEN ask (2) what led them to that conclusion, decision or assumption… And again, be prepared with a FOLLOW-UP question – again, not a challenge, an information-gathering query…

Again, LISTEN, strive for CONSENSUS!

3. Here’s a tough one for parents and for most adults: Guide them toward learning – FINDING the answer! Don’t tell them the answer, as much as you’d like to. Get in the habit of what we refer to as ASK DON’T TELL. And when you’re talking with a teenager, they have a strong reflex to answer almost every question with: “I don’t know.” At which point, you should PAUSE, say nothing - and listen. If no reply, follow up with something like “Well, what might you assume or consider or guess?” There’s an old expression that’s absolutely true: “Any day that you don’t learn something was a wasted day.” That’s what you want them to avoid and that’s your role and function.

4. Be acutely aware of how many negatives they hear about themselves – from within their own mind as well as from teachers, parents, coaches, adults! FIND THE POSITIVE, compliment it – and be specific. Generalities become empty and meaningless very quickly.

5. VALUE THEM – truly! Pause and remind yourself – they’re flesh of your flesh – a reflection of you, striving to be better each day, needing support, appreciation and to be valued – even if they’re obstreperous that day.

6. Hug often and long. Research says 90 seconds is optimum. They may fight you – overcome! 

7. If your child doesn’t know and understand what challenged YOU and challenged YOUR FATHER and YOUR FATHER’S FATHER – as well as their mother, their mother’s mother and their mother’s mother’s mother – and overcame – or didn’t – you missed a great teaching moment. 

Oh, and patience – apply lots and lots of patience!

If you follow these elements, you will greatly diminish arguing and become upset far less frequently.

Archived Teens2Success Blog Posts can be viewed here.