“That’s Just How It Is” – The Most Dangerous Lie Teens Tell Themselves
“That’s just how it is.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s impossible.”
For many teenagers, those phrases become a quiet soundtrack in the background of their lives. But as psychologist Carol Dweck showed in her landmark work on mindset, the attitude we bring to any challenge shapes what we believe is possible. It becomes like a GPS or guardrail on a highway—either keeping us stuck or guiding us toward new directions in life.
Dweck’s mindset theory describes two patterns of thinking: fixed and growth. A fixed mindset sounds like, “That’s just how it is,” or “That’s all I can do.” It’s the easy way out, and it shuts down effort before it even begins. For a teen, this might look like, “I’m just bad at math,” “I’ll never make the team,” or “Why bother trying?” Over time, that way of thinking can hold them back in school, activities, and even relationships.
A growth mindset is very different. It opens the door to possibility: “I’m not there yet, but I can improve,” “I haven’t figured this out…yet,” or “What could I try differently?” When teens learn to say “How can I?” instead of “I can’t,” they begin to see challenges as chances to learn rather than proof that they’re not good enough. One famous example: for years, experts believed the human body simply couldn’t run a mile in under four minutes. Then Roger Bannister did it in 1954—and within the next year, hundreds of runners broke that same barrier. Once people believed it was possible, performance followed.
From our work in online teen coaching and virtual coaching for teenagers, we’ve become convinced that one of the biggest barriers to creativity and success is that single word: “can’t.” As soon as “It can’t be done” enters the conversation, effort stops. Why experiment, learn, or try a new strategy if your mind has already decided it’s impossible?
So what can you do as a parent when your teenager says, “I can’t,” “It won’t work,” or “That’s just how it is”? This is where your response matters.
Instead of jumping into a lecture, try using our Ask, Don’t Tell parenting method. When your teen says “I can’t,” you might begin with:
“How do you know that? What led you to that conclusion?”
“Can you tell me more about what feels hard or impossible?”
“How do you think we—or you—might be able to make this work?”
“What’s one small step you could try, even if you’re not sure it will succeed?”
These kinds of questions do three powerful things at once: they gently challenge a fixed mindset, they develop critical thinking in teenagers, and they keep the conversation calm instead of confrontational. This is a practical example of how to help a teenager develop a growth mindset and how to respond when your teen says “I can’t.”
The “secret,” if there is one, is preparation. Before a tough conversation, take a few minutes to think through one, two, or three questions you can ask if your teen shuts down or gets stubborn. You don’t need a script; you just need to be ready with curiosity instead of criticism. This kind of preparation is at the heart of effective parenting strategies for difficult teenagers and can dramatically improve parent–teen communication.
You’ll probably also hear another familiar phrase: “I don’t know.” When that comes, try not to accept it at face value. Gently pause and say something like, “That’s okay, take a minute. Tell me a little more about what you’re thinking.” Then wait. Give them space. You’re modeling how to communicate with a stubborn teenager without escalating the tension.
Remember, arguing with a teenager—especially about what they “can” or “can’t” do—is almost always a lose/lose situation. When you switch from telling to asking, you’re doing two important things:
You eliminate arguments with teens by shifting out of a debate and into discovery.
You strengthen the parent–teen relationship by showing you’re on their side, helping them think things through instead of simply correcting them.
Over time, this approach:
Helps build a growth mindset in teens
Teaches teens resilience and confidence
Encourages them to overcome challenges instead of avoiding them
Supports lasting mindset transformation for teens as their brain and identity continue to develop
The core message is simple but powerful:
Be ready to challenge “That’s just how it is, Mom/Dad—I can’t” with calm, curious questions. With the right support—and, when needed, remote coaching for parents and teens or a teen life coach online—your teenager can learn to see themselves differently: not as someone who “just is how they are,” but as someone who can grow, change, and succeed.
When you consistently bring that belief into your conversations, you’re not just managing day‑to‑day behavior. You’re helping shape your teen’s mindset for the rest of their life.